Resolutions

Tomorrow's the last day of November. Another year gone by already. For once in my life, I can actually look back and say with confidence that I'm not standing where I was at the beginning of the year.

I find that new year resolutions don't work for me. Granted, a new beginning is a good time to make changes. But then, any given day's as good as the next. Besides, Man proposes, God disposes. You may not be here tomorrow, so you might as well make the best of now. And don't worry! If that won't change a thing, then why give yourself wrinkles and greys? Do what you actually can. PRAY. Then let go and let flow! (and keep the faith, of course. Keep pushing till you receive your answer).

Where was I? Resolutions. Right. I find new year resolutions work like new diets, new exercise regimes, trying out new hobbies, self-improvement trials, and all that. Motivation may hang around for the first week, month, or even day. Then that wanes, and it all goes down the hill.......{hmmmmm......}.
So forget that approach. What do you want to change? Improve?? Become??? Start on it today. Right now. Make a plan and follow through. Sure, you may digress, get derailed, or hit a wall. But nothing clicks just like that. No matter how far off you get, destination point is still on the horizon. Dust yourself up and keep pushing even, especially when you fell like just giving up. Eventually, you will find your self more "on' than "off" the program.
So I'm with the daily resolution wagon. Daily reminders really help. Plus each time I slag off, I'm reminded of where I should be, and I try to get back. So far, I'm on the following:

i) Be patient
ii) Be kind
ii) Never be rude, especially to my brother.
iv) Not to be deceitful, even in the slightest forms.
v) Smile
vi) Not to procrastinate
vii) Become time-concscious
viii)Consider others over myself

Weary

You get to a point when you find you are simply weary of a lot of things. Worn out by plans not quite working out (though you know its not because you're missing something). Weary of (seemingly) being on one spot. Tired of not getting things right. Wondering when it's all going to come together. Wondering which way to go, and how to go about "it", whatever "It" is.

I feel like I've been pursuing this one thing for so long, and that's even more in line with my trying to be prudent. My heart is simply not in it, I'm tired because it all seems so never-ending and tedious.

In the midst of it all, I know the Lord is my strength, and he will get me through this on top, just as he did today, he did yesterday, and will always do tomorrow.

I have not been as focused on my job as I should, and its beginning to tell. I've had slip-ups here and there, forgetfulness issues that have left me feeling so bad for my boss, and wondering how I'm not back on the totally-unemployed line. I almost wish I could just leave here and get another job where I could have a clean start, no mess ups or whooping bloopers hanging over my head. Right now, Big Boss is going to be checking up triple time on my work, and looking out for busts. Its simply my doing, but it still hurts. Why on earth cant we just learn from other people's mistakes??? we cant make them all on our own!

Why?????

I write what I feel. I write when inspired. I write when I force myself to try. My work is an extension of my personality, yet I wonder at my maturity (or lack of). I just went through some other blogs (of definitely more matured souls), then came back and skimmed (thoroughly) my input so far this month. Grownsome is about me growing some, so please let me know, come 2yrs down the line, if I still sound the same.*smiles*

But really, my outlook on life tends towards the humourous. I would age thrice quicker if I lost my sense of humour. Its such a shame really that a good number of people don't see 'it all' that way. When I started today, I wondered at my juvilinity. However it is, its who I am, and I embrace me.

>:D<

In other news, Two Score and One has decided to shed some light on the state of his feelings (further clarification???). Am I just stringing the guy on? I'm actually feeling some twinge of guilt here. But then, I did inform the bros that he has no grounds for liking me beyond any platonic form (I mean, 2 weeks!).

I shall not meander into gnawing concerning this bone.

Puss-In-3and-a-half-inch-Stilletos (*meeeoowww*)

She closed her eyes and reaching deep into her being, summoned forth her inner Couger.....

Or something somewhat related to that. Subsequent to my last blog, I have since captured the affections of one young man who, in the span of a week and a half, has declared passionate like for me, THEN deduced a perceived age differencé - leading to a retraction of the said declaration. This, as of now, has been followed up by an explanation of the sent sms which terminated our affairé de amour.

On my part, I must say I was amused initally to be chatted up by someone who loved my pink ensemble. Fearless lad that he is, he openly declared that pink was his favourite colour, and proceeded to augment his point by wearing a pink polo shirt the next day (how come guy sizes come in pale pink and not the likes of fushia, by the way??? That would have been really proving his point). Several days, and many sms' later, I had come to (and modified) several conclusions on the scenario as follows:

i) Guy is so ponsy!
ii) Guy is some kind of metrosexual aspirant.
iii) He is rather young (this after listening to him on second meeting, and all the sms' that followed).



*TRANSMISSION BREAK*
EWWW!!!! GAY GUYS ON EASTENDERS!!!!

*End Interruption Transmission*



Primarily, having a "young man", in this case Two Score and One, is a totally novel experience to me, seeing how much of a spring chicken I am, but really, there ARE mature young peoples out there aren't there? (e.g. yours truly). In all honesty, my age mates and even senior males give me grief, so this can only amount to naught. Really, suicide and/or murder is not high on my list.

The Weight of the Matter at Hand. Or Belly.

BELLY FAT IS UGLY. That's the name of some site which looks down its nose on all the huffing and puffing on the treadmill, and incessant sit-ups which apparently do not help you lose your bellyfat. I totally agree. Situps simply tone your abs and do not, as a matter of fact, get rid of all that bellyfat (which by the way IS ugly). I should know. I've been fighting for and dreaming of a waistline for as long as i can remember (which would be about my first year in Uni). Which is one major contributor to my lose-weight dream (an off-shoot of the Lose-the-ugly-bellyfat program). I will get there. I know i can, if i can just persevere.

FT Lily shared a blog page with me off yahoo (google: Anna Fitzgerald+elastic waistline). Too bad I can't dig into all those K-slim and such challenges, thanks to my little lactose-intolerance. Still, that would get boring in time. Just as exercies routines get dull and non-challenging in time (speaking of which people, i'm in the market for new ab-routines. Feel free to share). But I digress. Anna Fitzgerald's elastic waistline, and what she terms the "last meal syndrome" which I so totally get now and then. Working out can be so non-encouraging (yes, that is beyond discouraging). I mean, I put in effort, walk, run, cycle (which is still not keeping the cellulite at bay), kick in some strength training, and for what? I'm still fighting the weight, talk less of losing it. But i can only keep at it or just let go and blow. Meanwhile, Xandra who doesn't feel exercising (and truly, does anyone???) but goes on walks is noticably shedding. It would be so unfair if I wasn't glad for her. It really kills my joy when I go out and people are like "are you adding weight?". All I want to do is stay indoors - which I actually do, under the guise of being anti-social, because finding what to wear in which I feel happy can be a truly distressing ordeal for me (not to mention I could do with a wardrobe upgrade). Kat is of the opinion that i'm bulking up because of my stabs at strength training (bless her soul. Oh that it would be true). Cutting back on portions? Been there. Cutting back on eating?? Done that. Admittedly, I'm inconsistent on the exercise, especially when I get particularly discouraged and lose most motivation. Whatever is a girl to do? I need all the help i can get.

I'm currently 62Kg and counting. Wonder-weight point for me would be 57Kg. I can do this. I can get there.

Still A Teen??!??

I'm officially back in Crush. *sigh*. Just when i thought i had finally grown up. But it's no biggie, cos it'll pass, just like his forerunners. His name's Miles. He's soooo cute! I can't help but. In reality now, i find myself leaning back to my proximity infatuation. Or is he the one leaning back towards me? Same difference, i suppose. This calls for "divertory" measures. On the other hand, there is a somebody that seems to like me, whom i may just be inclined to like back. PROGRESS! But we'll see. I'm not quite getting to that point yet.

Woke up this morning, assessed everthing, and all in all, any beyond platonic somebody in my life would just simply be a distraction. I can't say i'm not where i want to be, because i'm still trying to figure out what the next 5 steps are, but i do know i'm not organised concerning what i want to have covered by now. The Lord is my strength.


(10 mins later)
I need to go. It's so unfair how the customer must always be right, even at the cost of any consideration for the service provider (I'm at work). Grrrrrrrrrrrr......

The Vermin Underfoot

5 nights running with sleepless nights. Whatever is a girl to do?

As it turns out, i was not being attacked by the Wicked Witch from the East, as seemed previously. 3 nights later, there i was in a state of semi-consciousness, when i did an encore - jumped out of bed and scrammed for the stairs. After much praying , post initial experience, i was blessed with several upgrades this time round:
- I was fully covered (Thank God!).
- I gasped, but did not scream up the building.
- I observed a scurrying something dash into my bathroom.

This whole time, a friggin rat was cozying up to me at night and giving me nightmares??? Needless to say, I did not waste time boarding up the hole it ran into - was having aspirations of starving it to death or something like that. Unfortunately, O'Ratay had other plans. Kept me up most of the 3 nights that followed, gnawing its way out. Had to change the board, and I must say, that thing could gnaw. Some seriously deadly teeth....

In the end, if you want summink done, you simply must do it yourself (or get your father to do it for you). See all the poison in the world, and rat traps did not catch it (yes, we'd been co-existing for several months now, but i (wrongly) believed that the kitchen was his terrain. As I learnt, even rodents aspire to greater heights. But I digress. The father had to lock himself up in my bathroom for almost an hour, one fine 5am morning, and he came out with its corpse. Same as he did with the first one in the Kitchen. 2 down! Anymore to go? Only time will tell. However, there ARE changes in the house. Like how now we can actually leave the bread out of the microwave overnight. Or the watermelon and yams aren't bitten in.

Yes, life is sweet again.*sigh*

The Importance of Being Prepared at All Times

Slept late last night. Stayed up watching movies which I had already recorded (which somewhat defeats the purpose of prior recording), but what the hey. I go on and on about how I feel tired in the afternoons, yet I know I would feel much better if I turned in earlier.


Woke up this morning with an incredibly hoarse throat. I wondered what the heck, but ignored it. Had a vague recollection of waking up in the middle of the night, my room lights being on and having everyone in my room. So I asked Xandra what happened, and it turns out that I was screaming the house down in the middle of the night. Having successfully woken up the neighbourhood, I bolted for the stairs, before actually getting my bearings.


Did I mention I had only panties on? Can you say mortification???


New Mandate:
i) always bathe before bed so as to comfortably sleep in layers.
ii) sleep with room door locked.
iii) tie ankle to bedpost prior to lights out.

Still Hung Up?

I still dream of my ex. Not daydreams or anything of that sort, but proper night-time dreams. when i get a text from a foreign number i can't identify, he's the first person that comes to my mind. I haven't the foggiest why, considering his number is saved. I vaguely wonder sometimes if i haven't met anyone i'm "interested" in cos i'm still hung up on him. Or are guys who can get my attention for more than 10 mins really that short on supply in this town?

FT Lee's of the opinion that i'm rather too choosy when it comes to guys. To you i say, I most CERTAINLY am not! I could go for someone who's on steady pay, good looking, eloquent, all that rot. Yet, all i'm asking is someone who isn't ugly, shorter than i am, and who understands up to half of what i say. Knowing how to scratch my funny bone would be a big plus, yes.

So to this end, i went out for lunch with Cee. He seems ok. I must say, i am biased against his tribe in general for some particular traits, but i make efforts to see beyond the surficial, so hey. I must say, my initial impulse as lunch hour came round was to bolt for the hills. I mean, i didn't know where we were going. With unfamiliar territory, bailing out would require some effort, and I was thinking minimal all the way. As it turns out, my "friends" are all for getting me back in the running (i don't deplete them emotionally that much do I?) so that did shove me a tad much. All in all, it was ok. I suppose. But I'm not much for overcrowding - especially in early stages. For some reason, i'm turned off by someone who sends me goodnight messages (which he does. a lot. he even asks that i call him when i get home. Seriously? I don't even know if i want to be a friend yet). Anyways, when you're my boyfriend, that's sweet, and it's your duty so to speak. But i find i feel he's crowding me. Xandra is of the opinion that he's just being nice, and i'm being paranoid. Perhaps i'm super-imposing. It all brings to mind a previous amourer who used to choke me with late night calls and messages. Granted, he wore me down with time, but i just got used to it. We still didn't date. I think what i need is a/some point/s of attraction. Or in my father's words, lower my standards (that is a direct quote). Imagine.

Ah me!

Oh! To Feel The Feelings They Feel!!

I find that i'm in love with the idea of being in love. i know this for a certainty, not just because i've been binging on romantic movies back to back, but also i know for a fact that i AM not ready for a relationship just yet. Besides, it's all about feeling the feelings, not being with anyone in particular. Just like when i think about what i would like my wedding to be like! The dress is the main focus (of course. One would think that it would be the ceremony itself. hmmmm....). The bridesmaid dresses come in if i'm sharing my think-thread with someone else at the time, the ceremony (vaguely), the size of the party attending (hopefully less than 400 heads - if the father permits), and such. However, i find that the groom is no where to be found more often than not, and where present is just some blank-faced male, in a non-clearly (visually) defined suit. is that a general theme, or am I just the odd pod? Priorities, priorities....

What is it, really, about it all that we desire? Logically, it's simply the company we want. Given time, even the best of persons will find the perfect thing to drive you up the wall. Yet singlehood can be both fun and a drag, depending on the season. Likewise, amor can be the heights and the pits, depending on the cycle. A possible solution? Stay single but have yourself a close friend of the opposite sex whom you can feed off emotionally (yet UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE should you consider even contemplating toeing the boundaries of platonic relations. That just introduces new elements into the equation and before you know it, its one of those random "I don't know how it happened, but we just sort of slid into dating" scenarios. Very bad hook-up story to tell your kids).